This Moment

Dawn has not broken yet as I sit sipping my morning coffee.  I love the early mornings, the quiet, the darkness.  It is a sacred time for me.

So still.

I moved about a month ago.  I haven't lived alone since I was in my early 20's.  There are no sounds of children in my home.  That is bittersweet.  I do miss their energy and hope to infuse plenty of that into this new space as they visit.   I am happy though.  I feel content, which is not a word that I could say has described me throughout my life.  But....as time passes and I keep doing the work necessary for growth, contentment follows.  I have typically always been someone with very high highs, and very low lows....this middle ground was foreign to me.  But oh how sweet it is.   I reflect on this moment...how I got here, how it feels.  Surreal.  My teacher, Gopi,  says, "all of your life, all of your hopes and desires, have led you to this moment right now."  Every time she says that, I feel warmth and happiness come over me.  Even when "right now" doesn't feel so comfortable, I know I am where I need to be.   I do not seek perfection but I do seek to be better with each passing day.  I have a desire to learn and grow and that keeps me on this path.  

Over a year ago, over lunch, Gopi was asking me questions about my life.  She told me to write down the things that I desire, very specifically.  I did exactly that.  As I sit here, I can tell you my life looks like those words, almost down to the minute details.  I don't believe that by writing it down, it became reality, but I do believe what we send out to the universe, God, Spirit, Mother, will come back to us if our hearts our open and we have good intentions.  And patience.  Patience and a willingness to do some hard work.  It is hard.  Sometimes.  But, what do we do in that pain?  Do we run?  My answer used to be, hide and isolate.    That is my default.  I would pull the shades and shut everyone in my life out.  That doesn't serve me anymore.  It could, if I wanted that. I am pretty familiar with that for sure.  My world became very small and lonely when I lived like that.  I am grateful for the teachers I have had along the way, too countless to name, however, my children are among them.  My children were the ones pushing me to do things for myself, by myself.  I will be forever thankful for their wisdom, beyond their years, in that advice.  My life has become so rich with friendships that sustain me.  Beautiful friendships.  I love my work, my clients and my students.  I always thought I wanted to be somewhere else.  The ocean, the mountains, the wilderness.  But I love where I am right now.  Right here in Lawrence, Kansas.  No ocean.  No mountains.  I live on a busy street.  I can hear a train in the distance.  But there is stillness and contentment inside of me that I would only get glimpses of when I would travel to different places, away, letting vacation be my medicine.  Now, I feel I am cultivating that inside of me.  Slowly.  What a gift.        Don't misunderstand me.  I still crave the solitude that nature provides.  I will be traveling starting next month and I have some amazing trips planned for this year.   But, I don't need to be somewhere else to have that sweet peace within.  It is right here,  right now.  

I still seek solitude, but in a different way.  I'm not hiding, I'm rejuvenating, contemplating, nurturing my soul.  

A Time of Renewal

I have never been a lover of the dark, winter months. I don't really like this about myself, but it's how I am wired.  My sister isn't affected as I am, I am always envious of that....her steadiness, her evenness. Happy in the sunshine, happy when it's grey.   I often wonder what makes one predisposed to the lethargy I feel with the short and cold days of winter.  Several years ago, a guy I was dating gave me a book, "The Mysteries of The Dark Moon."  I still haven't read the entire book (as is the case with many books for me).  I  open it and read bits and pieces.  It was a book that made me look at myself with more compassion, and to embrace the darkness, literally and figuratively.  In the dark, rich soil of the earth, a seed is planted, so much energy, so much life inside the tiny seed.  It needs that time, the darkness....to sprout in the spring.  

I began "trying" to look at myself and my own life in a similar way.  In the dark months, I tend to isolate more, go within myself, I write a lot, sleep too much, eat a little more than I should.  I decided to use this time as a period of healing and introspection, instead of facing it with the dread that I had become all too familiar with.  Let me say right here, I have not done this with any sort of perfection, but I have practiced being a bit more gentle with myself.  I have dedicated time and energy to my yoga practice, more time reflecting on the things I would like to change about me and how to create the life I crave.  Over time, the winter months aren't feeling like something to "get through", but rather a time to embrace and reflect.  A time to let that energy go inward to grow something beautiful.  I have been more mindful about my choices, using the darkness as a source of energy.

And now....spring approaches...it is close.  I hear the birds singing in the early hours before dawn.  Time for new growth, new life.  As I was walking my dog this morning,  I observed the tiny crocus blooming, scattered throughout my neighbor's yard.  I see the life.  I see the little buds on my beautiful (soon to be fragrant) lilac bushes.  I get excited.  The days are getting longer.   

My energy is stirring, ready to embrace what is next.  I am open.    I am living the life I crave.