Pariṇāma

 परिणाम 

              Transformation.  Change.  This, we can depend on. Yet... 

I haven't always embraced the natural evolution of things, certainly not with grace. I like stability, dependability, routine.  I am an earthy type, definitely wanting the "groundedness" that comes from these things.  There is a certain amount of this stability that I can, and do, create for myself. 

This isn't really how life flows though.  Change is coming.  Always.  I am embracing what is here right now.  Trust me this isn't my norm.  For 20 and a half years I have been "mom".  That is the role that I knew, I know how to nurture, to be there for my children.  I can cook and do laundry, listen to their joy, their sorrows, be the unmoving rock for them.  I don't know if my children felt I was good at that, but I did.  It felt like I was born to be a mother.  When my daughter was born I remember thinking "my life now has purpose".  Finally.  And then my son.  More purpose.  I "could do life" because I knew what I was supposed to do.  No longer Casey.  I am Cienna's mom.  I am Indiana's mom.    Of course I still am, and will always be that to them.  But what else?   I decided a few years ago to "live the life I crave".  I don't even know that I knew what that really meant to me but I somehow started doing it.  I had this vision of the friends I wanted in my life.  The things I want to do.  All of this, and more IS my life now. 

Transformation.  It isn't just change from the "norm", from my routine.  It is a gut-wrenching, throw out the old, cry for hours rocking on my boat in the middle of the lake, talking to the universe, lay alone full of fear, walk- through-my-own-shit process and force myself to keep doing something to better my life.  Exhausting! and transformative.  Life-changing.  All this "stuff" on the outside, it's gonna change.  I can't stop that.  Can I keep up though, or will I let my own demons haunt me and keep me in that dark, lonely place (comforting as that is)?  That was really the question I had to ask myself.  Sometimes I wanted the answer to be yes to the latter.  Yes.  I do want to stay in this dark place because I know what this feels like and it is mine.  No one gets to enter into this world with me.  It is mine.  It has served me.  I know it well.  Now get away from me and let me be.  I don't need you.  I don't want you.  I am fine right here by myself.        But that isn't really the truth.  Not at all.  The truth is, I crave companionship, friends, community.  And I have that, I have more than that.  I sold myself short in what I wanted.  What my life is now is amazing.  I don't mean that there are no trials and tribulations.  Trust me.  There are so many of those.  Pipes bursting, flooding when it was -20 degrees outside.  Sickness.  My own and my family.  Life.  These things happen to all of us in some form but my life is still amazing.  I don't know what shifted other than me laying in the middle of the lake one day.  It was a few years ago, I was sad.  So sad-to the point that I could feel it physically.  And lonely.  I was crying and felt angry at myself, at the world.  Why did I feel so empty? I hated it.  I know why though.  I felt empty because I kept letting my demons win.  That's the truth.  I gave in to it every time and my world became very small.  I was "Mom" and that was the end of that.  I wasn't social.  I was doing nothing to nurture myself . I had this realization, or "awakening" if you will.  I remember that moment.  It was painful.  Nothing changed overnight, but I changed.  Day by day I made the effort to "do it different" than before.  No more giving in to my comfort.  I was scared really.  I knew that I was going to be one lonely woman for the rest of my life if I didn't confront myself.  That process doesn't begin and end in one instant.  It was a daily grind, and honestly, sometimes it still is.  But today, I have a freedom and a peace that I only dreamed about.  I have beautiful friends.  True friends.  Amazing friends.  I am "a part of."  I am not alone even though as I write this I am physically alone.  My daughter moved out last August.  That was difficult for me.  We did so many things together and one day...she was gone.  My son moved out several weeks ago.  He decided on a Tuesday and was gone on Saturday.  That was it.  I was following him to his new place with a load of his things and I thought, "This is it?  This is how it happens? I carry his things in and drive back home alone, to live alone?"  I felt sad.  No one prepares you for this "empty nest" thing.  It isn't overnight, or next week.  It happens in an instant.  Literally.  Two years ago this moment would have affected me differently.  Believe me, I cried.  I cried when Cienna left.  I cried when Indiana left.  But I am happy for them.  I have raised two beautiful, intelligent, capable children.  They should be living out with friends now in their lives. This is the natural progression of things.  They are young adults and have beautiful lives.  I want that for them. 

But here we are back to change.  Transformation.  My life is different.  It is so silent in my home.  My pets are needy and demand my attention since I am the only one here to give it.  My house was under contract and they cancelled at the last minute, now there is a new contract, with a new closing date.  I am teaching three yoga classes this week and seeing all of my amazing clients.   I am open to something beautiful and I choose to live my life and not hide.  I am embracing this change.  This new chapter.  That sounds so cliche but it is real.  Envision what it is you want.  Every.  Single.  Detail.  Live each moment as though that is what you have.  Do the things you are drawn to.  Find the support you need, whether it be friends or professionals. This is what I have done and my life has evolved...transformed into something I truly didn't expect.  It's like I always thought of myself a certain way but wasn't living my life to sustain that.  Once I began doing those things alone (my children pushed me into that sometimes), I made new and beautiful friends...my soul feels content.  I am happy and want what is next even though I don't know what that is. 

What I do know is this. 

I am excited and open and... I am leading with my heart, even though fear still lingers, I believe all will be well.  Like those beautiful little crocus peaking up through the brown landscape.  The seed that has grown in the darkness through the winter, emerging through the Earth, toward the light, a beauty amidst the dull landscape in the cold, Kansas air.  Beautiful.  Transformed through the winter.  This will be the last spring that I see these specific ones, in my neighbor's yard as I will be moving in a few weeks. 

Let us all be transformed in the darkness, moving toward the light....